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Every episode of Tasteless, I take a critically acclaimed film and compare it to one that shares the same themes but didn't get the attention it deserves — and explain why that second movie is my pick. This week: two movies where survival of a species comes down to one bloodline and hope is finally carved out amidst the despair. It's Children of Men versus Underworld: Blood Wars.
Children Of Men
In 2027, in a chaotic world in which women have somehow become infertile, a former activist agrees to help transport a miraculously pregnant woman to a sanctuary at sea.
This came out in 2006, has a 92% on Rotten Tomatoes, directed by Alfonso Cuarón. It was nominated for three Oscars — Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography, and Best Film Editing.
This movie is about a very sad England where everything is falling apart. It's a post-apocalyptic gray sadness because babies stopped being born 18 years ago. And everyone is just like, okay, I guess F it then, we're going to go berserk, because babies aren't being born anymore. This is it. This is the end of our lineage.
Our protagonist Theo is played by Clive Owen. He's a regular office guy whose only real friend is Michael Caine doing a John Lennon impression. There's a scene at the beginning where Clive is at Michael Caine's house and he's just absentmindedly petting this cat. And then he starts petting it maybe a little too aggressively, unless the cat really likes him. I was so focused on this cat and trying to decide if he was petting him an appropriate amount that I noticed the different shots had the cat facing different ways. It was a continuity error.
This animal thing is a through line though. We find out that all animals love Clive Owen. Some dogs come up to him and someone's like, those dogs don't like anyone. And then this little kitten tries to climb up his pant leg, but he doesn't even reach down and pet it — which is the least believable part of this movie. If a little kitten came up to you and was tugging at your pant leg, you would just look down at it and be like, go about your business? Scoop that kitten up.
Clive Owen had a wife and a kid, but the kid died. So he's just kind of aimless. England seems to be one of the places left standing — there was a nuclear attack on New York. People truly went bananas when they realized no more children were being born. Michael Caine is the comic relief and does a pull-my-finger joke immediately in the film.
Spoiler: Michael Caine euthanizes his wife and his dog, which I get why he does, but come on, figure out a way to save the dog. But it's important to note that he dies farting. In this gritty exploration of humanity, Michael Caine dies farting, because he is surrounded by gunmen and he's like, pull my finger, and reaches a finger out and then gets shot. And I can only assume he died farting.
We're introduced to baby Diego, who was the last baby born, the youngest person on earth. I thought this was fascinating — seeing the news coverage of him. He dies, and the nation is in mourning. The world is in mourning. He was the last baby born and had this celebrity thrust on him that he did not want and just couldn't handle. We learn there are legal suicide kits called Quietus. There's a lot of little touches. I'm going to have to read the book because I liked all the little pieces of lore, the world that is existing.
Clive Owen gets kidnapped and brought to the hideout of the Fishes, this rebel group trying to help the refugees that England is railing against. The Fishes want equal rights for immigrants in Britain, which is great. Fishes is not a cool name for a movement, but it's a good cause. Julianne Moore plays Julian, Clive Owen's ex-wife, leader of the Fishes. She has a nose stud and I didn't know that was a look. IMDB trivia says Alfonso Cuarón wanted an actress who had the credibility of leadership, intelligence, and independence.
At one point they're in a car together, fleeing with the pregnant woman, and they play a game. Julianne Moore is like, no one's ever been able to do it like you, Clive. And he's like, I can't, not now, not in front of these people. And she's like, no, we're going to do it, and she spits a ping pong ball into his mouth and he spits it back into her mouth. And then Julianne Moore — spoiler — dies. And then I was like, yeah, I bet this is why I didn't like this movie. A dog dies and Julianne Moore dies. What are we doing here?
I do hope that Alfonso was like, Julianne Moore, you are such a credibly intelligent, independent woman. Could I get you to pretend to spit a ping pong ball into this man's mouth? And she was like, okay.
So she captures Clive because she needs him to get transport papers from his cousin Danny Huston, whose son is Ed Westwick — Chuck from Gossip Girl — playing with this weird hand robot. And I was like, what are you doing here? He gets the papers but has to travel with the person. Julianne Moore gets killed. And at the hideout with Chiwetel Ejiofor, who I also love, Clive Owen wanders around and finds Kee — who is the girl he's helping. Claire-Hope Ashitey is this actress, and she is the lynchpin. She is pregnant. She is the first pregnant woman in 18 years.
When Clive Owen finds her in the barn and she reveals she's pregnant, he is shocked. She plays this role — it's so interesting — later she talks about realizing she was pregnant, that she had never been taught about it. She's young enough that fertility had stopped before she got into school, so there was no reason to teach it. But she just knew. I would have loved more of this, of the journey Kee has taken.
I also love her friendship with the Fish that is looking out for her, played by Pam Ferris, aka Miss Trunchbull from Matilda, who has an eyebrow ring. Everybody in this movie has a questionable piercing. Pam Ferris is keeping Kee safe and is such an ally to her — her and Clive Owen are a great duo in protecting Kee.
Then we find out things aren't as they seem. Chiwetel has some secret stuff going on. Charlie Hunnam has some secret stuff going on. Chiwetel's guys killed Julianne Moore because they don't want the baby taken to the Human Project — they want to keep the baby for political gain. So Clive takes Kee and Pam Ferris and flees in the night. Later, Chiwetel sees the baby in a war zone and he's crying because it evokes something in him. It's really interesting. The baby is born and it evokes something in people.
A couple of questions. One: why are future movies so neutral slash brown-looking? It's so gray. Is that just because it's England? I'm not interested. Too gray. Two: we see the destruction society has faced. If we were all infertile for, let's say, 20 years, would that actually give the earth time to reset? In this movie it's been 18 and people are still there just being awful. What if we just stopped having babies for 20 years and let the earth chill? Cut down on global warming? Would society crumble? Would someone nuke New York City if we couldn't have babies? I think it's such a weird, interesting conclusion — that without a hope for people to come, without people carrying on your line, you would just totally go anarchist.
The movie is currently on Peacock for free, where there's an ad every five minutes, which really takes you out of a drama. But you get what you get.
Underworld: Blood Wars
Vampire death dealer Selene (Kate Beckinsale) fights to end the eternal war between the Lycan clan and the Vampire faction that betrayed her.
This movie came out in 2016. It has a 21% on Rotten Tomatoes.
I have covered a couple of Kate Beckinsale movies on this show. My love for her is well known. Love and Friendship is such a good movie. I'll watch anything she's in. Underworld is her big blockbuster franchise. She plays Selene, a vampire who has extra powers because she drank blood from the original immortal — so she can go in sunlight, she's extra strong. Before she got those powers, she was just a super cool death dealer. By the way, the original immortal got his powers because of a genetic mutation when a plague hit. So just like post-COVID, I would love some vampire powers. I want to be able to go outside. I want to jump real high, but I don't want to land hard. I don't want to land and break the concrete. I want agility. I want to be like a cat. So COVID Santa, if the genetic plague mutation could give me that, please.
We get to see Selene fight people and be cool and have fangs and blue eyes. I will say, some people look so cool with vampire teeth and some people don't. Kate looks very cool. But sometimes they have those little teeth and they're talking around them and you're like, boy, this wasn't meant for you. I worried that would be me. That if I had vampire teeth, I would talk dumb and no one would respect my vampire powers.
This movie further proves that an askance glance from Kate Beckinsale is one of the most important things committed to film. I hope we've sent a clip of one up in one of those space stations that have every seed in there so we can start a new society. Like they've got all the types of flowers — I hope there's just a clip of Kate Beckinsale in one of the Underworld movies doing an askance glance at someone.
I saw this movie in theaters. I was overjoyed when Kate Beckinsale comes into battle with the biggest, thickest coat. Yes, she has an iconic leather look, blah blah, but this is better. She comes sliding in, there's snow, her coat is so big. It's amazing. The action in this one is some of my favorite — I think because a lot of these movies, like Resident Evil, Blade, tend to be dark in color palette. I liked the contrast of this snowy tundra. The snow, the ice, that vibe. Very fun to see fight scenes in.
So this is movie five. Prior to this, Kate has gotten her cool powers, lived as a vampire for centuries, and then humans figured out there are vampires and werewolves and started purging them. They froze Kate in cryogenics. When she's unfrozen, turns out she had a kid with Scott Speedman. The kid was like 12. She finds out — this is prior to this film — and honestly, I know you're like, how can I watch this if I haven't seen the others? They do a little recap at the beginning. I had only seen the first one years prior when I went and saw this in theaters. You don't need to know everything. It's fine.
What you need to know: the kid is born, she doesn't even know because she's frozen. Right prior to this movie, the kid is like, I gotta go. You can't know where I am. You can't be my mom because everyone wants my really strong blood. If you know where I am, it endangers you and me. So that's where we're at. Kate's daughter Eve is in hiding because she has very pure blood — the father, Scott Speedman, is this relative down the line of the original immortal's family. She's very powerful.
A new Lycan leader, Marius, wants Eve's blood to get stronger. Semira, the vampire, wants Kate's blood to get stronger. And Kate is just trying to process not being in her daughter's life.
Semira, aka Lara Pulver, gets to play this over-the-top villain. She's still hurting over her mentor Victor being killed by Kate in the first movie. She's not as strong as Kate, so she wants to drink Kate's blood. She sets up this whole ambush to get Kate excommunicated, disgrace her amongst their people, and steal her blood. At one point she's drinking Kate's blood out of this big chalice and then throws the rest on the ground in triumph. Like, what a waste. You just threw all that blood on the ground. Who's going to clean that up, Semira?
Semira wants power, she wants respect, and she's trying to manipulate her way into the good graces of the council, the high elders. Meanwhile Marius and the Lycan clan are going berserk trying to get Kate and fighting vampires. Vampires and werewolves are enemies, obviously.
By the way — werewolves. They have never succeeded in making them super hot. Even in Twilight, Jacob is such a baby face. Obviously he's a good-looking guy, but he just looks so young. I think it's because vampires just pop their little teeth out but otherwise they're still gorgeous actors. Werewolves are big, hairy, gross animals. So we don't think they're hot. Which is good.
Theo James plays David, a vampire and Kate's only real ally. His dad is played by Charles Dance, who helps him and Kate after really screwing Kate over in a previous film. So it's nice that he joins Theo in saving her from the robot that is sucking her blood out courtesy of Semira.
My only complaint about this movie: a lot of people stand in water in pants and robes. They just get in water with full fabric coverage. Ooh, that's tough. They're going to get out of the water. Their calves are going to be wet. Pants clinging to them.
This is a fun series and they keep teasing that another one is coming. I do like the point this one left off — I think it's a satisfying and fitting end for Selene and for Eve, for her family. Selene battles those who want her blood, battles those who want Eve. She never breaks. They're trying to get Eve's location from her and she doesn't know it. It kills her that she doesn't know it, but it's also so good that she doesn't. She protects the people that are here. She's a good person. She's a good vampire, even when everything has been stripped from her.
Kate Beckinsale is one of our funniest actors on screen and off screen. Her Instagram videos with her cats and her dog — she'll just be holding a gorgeous sweet cat and saying the funniest things. I will watch eight more Underworlds if she chooses to make them. There's room for those movies. I love that kind of movie and I love a period comedy and I love a hard-hitting think piece. There's room for everything. Kate is so multi-talented.
Shared Themes
Children of Men and Underworld: Blood Wars both deal with the survival of a species, with individuals who have something the rest of society lacks.
In Children of Men, Kee is carrying the first baby in almost two decades. In a world where it was believed women were no longer fertile, no new babies have been born. Kee is pregnant. Not just pregnant — she gives birth. Successfully gives birth to a healthy baby girl. This baby is truly it. This baby is humanity's future. Whether we think it's because it means other people can possibly get pregnant too, that this won't last forever, or because this baby can perhaps be studied — this is the first proof that survival of the human race is even a possibility. Everyone wants a piece of Kee and her baby because of what this survival represents.
In Underworld: Blood Wars, amidst constant power struggles between vampires and Lycans and within their own ranks, Kate Beckinsale's blood and even more so her daughter's blood both represent an advantage that each side covets. Eve has hidden herself away to prevent others from using her, and those in her orbit understand the importance of her powers not falling into the wrong hands.
The blood that Eve has, that Kate shares, their bloodline — it allows vampires to step into the sun. It allows a certain level of freedom, domination, existence, survival. If these creatures didn't have to cower in the dark, they wouldn't be so much of a target. They could blend in. They wouldn't be caged by the whims of the sun. Whoever has this blood can rule, can pass it down, can create a new species — a stronger, more powerful, more balanced one. That is a legacy these creatures crave.
Children of Men and Underworld: Blood Wars are dealing with bleak spots, but both carry through a sense of hope even amidst despair. Clive and Kate have had everything taken from them, but they give themselves to a cause. And kindness comes from surprising places, further imbuing the films with a sense that goodness can be found and not everything is lost.
In Children of Men, not only is the world awful — with most countries gone besides England — but Clive's world is bleak. He and his wife separated after their child died in a flu epidemic. He used to be politically active with Julianne Moore, but he's been floating through life since his son died. His only friend is a weird old dude. But when he becomes embroiled in Julianne's plan to get Kee to safety, to the human project, it gives him a purpose. It gives him something to believe in, and in opening himself up to Kee, he is met with support in turn.
The older woman in the Bexhill refugee camp — he had been so annoyed by her. She just had this barking dog and kept getting in their space. But when they're forced to share with her that Kee has given birth, this woman comes to their aid. She dedicates herself to protecting them. We see what Michael Caine gives up for this baby — he poisons his wife and his dog and gets himself shot to buy them time. He sees their survival as more important. He doesn't feel he dies in vain. He knows what he's doing.
Kee being pregnant, giving birth, means something. It means life. It means hope. It means future. It means that there's still a chance that whatever wiped out fertility is not 100%, is not permanent. Kee's baby surviving is of utmost importance because that hope, if they even think it's a possibility, will take away the suicidal despair so many people have been feeling.
In Underworld: Blood Wars, Kate is listless, distressed over the daughter she lost that she never knew. The daughter who told her not to be a mother. After Charles Dance dies helping Theo and Kate escape, she says: it seems it's the curse of every parent to disappoint their child. Theo says: at least you fought for your child. Kate replies: yes, and lost.
She feels so helpless. But she's set on not betraying her daughter, on not chasing her — even though she wants to. She sees that Theo and Charles had a complicated history but came together to help her, to do what is right. Charles sacrifices himself saving her. He knows he messed up. And Kate knows that somewhere out there, her daughter is alive. That's the best she can hope for in a world of bloodshed.
She finds help from the vampires in the ice and responds to their support in kind, adding one of their leaders to the vampire high council when given the chance. These vampires share with Theo James that his lineage is much more noble than he believed. With a good man finally having rights to the throne, there is hope for the future — that it won't always be chaos and infighting. At the end of the film, we see a vision of Eve. Perhaps the greatest proof that this world is back on track to something decent — that fighting will be put behind them and Eve will be safe to walk around as part of the clan and not just a political tool fought over by the weak.
Clive and Kate are people who aren't into statements, into politics. They just want to live. They live as outcasts, disconnected from society, but they are sucked back into battle — into other people's battles — because of what they bring to the table.
Clive has been incredibly shut off since his child died. He doesn't care about baby Diego. When everyone mourns baby Diego, he's like, he was a wanker. He doesn't have ties. He doesn't take part in the politics he used to involve himself with when he was with Julianne Moore. But Julianne pulls him back in. He takes on her transit paper quest because she offers money — that's why — but also out of some small loyalty to her. It's not his fight. It only becomes personal when he realizes Kee is pregnant and determines he's going to protect her at any cost.
He reminisces about his days as a rebel, claiming he only joined in because he wanted to sleep with Julianne. But it's clear based on how quickly he comes to Kee's aid that he is a good man who will work to protect what he believes in. He just needed that fire stoked again within himself.
In Underworld, Kate says: I'm finished with this war. And she's told: well, it's not finished with you. Kate doesn't have anything to fight for with her daughter away. Nothing besides her own life. But she's lived so long. She's tired. She doesn't care who's in power. She only cares about the basics, about survival. The war is brought to her doorstep as people fight for her blood and her potential knowledge of where her daughter may be located.
Once she's involved, she will not let Charles Dance's death be in vain. She wants to end the terror while she can. She works to reinstate Theo James as the rightful leader. She is someone who is loyal — and though she was betrayed by her ruler of many years, she still believes there is justice.
Clive and Kate achieve redemption in a way, channeling their struggles into creating a better world for others. Nothing can bring back Clive's son Dylan, and nothing can give Kate back the time she lost with her daughter. But they still do what's right.
What Underworld: Blood Wars Did Better
Children of Men is not a refugee's story. It's not Julianne Moore's story. It's not Kee's story. It is somehow inexplicably Clive Owen's story. While in Underworld: Blood Wars, yes, it's Eve's blood that is the Holy Grail for these people after power, but we're exploring Kate's story — as a mother who has given up her child, as a person who is being hunted for who she is, for reasons beyond her control.
Now — this killed me about Children of Men. In the movie, the infertility crisis is the result of all women being infertile. In the original novel by P.D. James, it's the result of all men producing no sperm. Why'd it have to become the lady body's problem in the movie? I love in The Handmaid's Tale that it's so clear that all the dudes' sperm is jacked up, so the Handmaids have to go get impregnated by other people in secret to maintain this facade. Whatever, not important, great show.
As much as I love Kee in Children of Men, this story is Clive coming to terms with what he lost and trying to build a better future. It's not the story of the actual revolutionary Julianne Moore — she is killed so fast. We don't know Kee's past, who the father of her baby is, or what circumstances may have led to her pregnancy. We join the story when the white savior joins the story and we leave it when he does. And that is for sure an oversimplification. I like this movie and what it brings up and discusses. But if we're looking at things that are either impressive or tired — this is tired.
We've got this movie with this rich tapestry of people — the Fishes' guy who is willing to kill his own for political means, so many people with compelling narratives — and Clive Owen's is the most boring and that's who we're following.
I love the way Underworld: Blood Wars shares the story of a strong woman, a mother who struggles with her role in her daughter's life, who is seen as a threat as much as she's seen as a pawn to be used. People respect her and discard her in equal measure. She is unsure of her place in a world where she is accepted by no one. She was a death-dealing vampire but killed her leader, so vampires hate her. Humans hate her. Lycans hate her because of who she is. And yet, instead of going into the woods forever, she continues to take part in this world because she knows at the end of the day, she needs to fight for what's right.
The movie ends with Kate on the council, indicating a more positive future for the vampires. Kate's life is one of sacrifice. We join her at a point where she has truly hit her lowest, feels disconnected. We watch as she raises herself up, is brought back from the brink of death after her fight with Marius, and rejoins the war that has stripped her of everything. Kate lives between worlds, and it's her strength.
Despite not much dialogue from Kate, Selene is a compelling character — one whose story is layered and troubled and fascinating. There are great characters in Underworld, but I'm not watching it going, I wish we were learning about anyone else. The way I felt a little bit in Children of Men, where it's like — how did Kee and Pam Ferris meet? What's their deal?
Children of Men's infertile future is not a clichéd plot. It's fascinating. But all focus being on the protection of a baby, on the importance of a baby being born, of birth itself — it's a little well-worn. Underworld: Blood Wars explores the pain of choosing to let a child go for their own good, of the intensity of being away from them through your own choice, of never having a bond with that child.
In Underworld: Blood Wars, it's about a relationship that never happened, about the bonds that didn't have a chance to form. There's a longing Kate has, but there's also a certain level of detachment, an awareness of what she must give up to stay sane and to keep Eve safe.
It's a brave choice and interesting to look at — people who must give up their children for reasons beyond their control. Kate had to make this choice. It was the only option. It doesn't keep her from feeling alone and feeling that loss, but she's a pragmatist about it. She stays connected to her daughter the ways she can — carrying a lock of her hair, a little bit of mind reading, seeing out of her eyes. Vampire stuff. She never doubts the choice she made.
I love that they didn't fully reunite in this film. The kid didn't run up at the council meeting and go mommy. Instead, we're given a glimpse as a shrouded figure approaches Kate at the end. Because their reunion is less important than what both gave up for the sake of the other and for the sake of the world. It's a really interesting relationship to explore.
Children of Men is a great exploration of the impact children have, the way thoughts of lineage and passing something down determine whether people even behave as though they're in a society. But the actual story of motherhood is a little well-worn. We have this mother who will do anything for her child and keeps the child with her. Kee doesn't want the kid taken for purposes political or scientific, understandably. This birth, this biological process is so highly venerated because it has been impossible for years. Yes, it's completely new terrain in a lot of ways, but it's the same relationship we so often explore — a mother looking into her baby's eyes for the first time, that connection, that bond.
In Underworld: Blood Wars, Eve grew up without a mother. Kate gave birth in a cryogenic freeze. She wasn't even aware she had a daughter. She finds out from Eve herself. This film is about a relationship that never happened. About the bonds that didn't have a chance to form. And knowing Kate had to make this choice, that it was the only option — it doesn't keep her from feeling alone. But she's a pragmatist. She never doubts it.
Give Underworld: Blood Wars a shot. I guess watch all the other ones first — out of the other four, one is a prequel so you can maybe skip that one. But I'd say just watch all of them. Just go for it. You can watch Blood Wars right now on Tubi for free. I of course own it in 4K, because who do you think I am?
Hit me up at @tastelesspod on social media. We can talk about Kate Beckinsale's giant coat in Blood Wars and how much I love it, or we can talk about why some people don't look very good with fangs.
